Posts tagged laugh

Happy Independence Day!

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4th of July Jokes

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. ‘We live in a great country,’ she announced. ‘One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.’

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, ‘I’m not free. I’m four.’

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/saints/4th_july_independence_day.htm#4th_of_July_Jokes_

How Many States Can You Name?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, ‘Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/saints/4th_july_independence_day.htm#4th_of_July_Jokes_

4th of July Jokes

Teacher: “True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”
Student: “False. It was written in ink.”

http://mytowntutors.com/2016/04/patriots%E2%80%99-day-jokes-top-50-patriots%E2%80%99-day-jokes/

The 4th July Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at Albuquerque’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

‘This baked ham is really delicious,’ the priest teased the rabbi. ‘You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs Warren’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?’

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, ‘At your wedding.’

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/saints/4th_july_independence_day.htm#More_4th_of_July_Humor

Who signed the Declaration of Independence

There was one little boy in the teacher’s class who really struggled to learn.

One day the teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence, and of course he didn’t know.

The teacher asked him every day for a week but still he couldn’t give the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to come and see her. She said to him, “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence.”

The father said to his son, “Come here, boy, and sit down.”

The boy duly did as he was told and then his dad said to him, “Now if you signed that stupid thing, just admit it so we can get out of here.”

HTTP: // pull method Karma couple .com / funny-4 days -July-jokes /

Jokes and An Inspiring Video

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Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Let me take care of it,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

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Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

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I Changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect.”

Whenever I forget, it will tell me: “Your password is incorrect.”

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages.
‘Momma, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: ‘I think it’s Adam’s suit!’

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While at MSDN site, a popup dialog appears:
“May we send you a survey? Enter email:”
I reply: “Nope”.
“Enter valid email address:”
“Leave me alone!”
“Enter valid email address:”
noway@spammers.com
“Thank you”

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A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO’s board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilot less technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEO’s is then told, privately, that their company’s software is Aircraft’s automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO’s promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies “If it is the same software that runs my company’s IT systems, this plane won’t even take off.”

This is Confidence!

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

 

All the jokes are from http://www.internationaljoke.com/?p=7060.

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The ‘Basketball Girl’ With No Legs Becomes a Champion Swimmer! – Inspirational Story

 

Joke and Funny Video

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Do you laugh today?

 I hope the joke and video will make your day (or At least make you Smile).

The jokes is sent to me by my friend.

Speeding!

A woman driver is speeding along the highway, when suddenly she gets stopped by a police car which instructs her to pull over.

Woman: “Is there a problem, Officer?”

Officer: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”Woman: “Oh, I see.”

Officer: “Can I see your license please?”

Woman: “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

Officer: “Don’t have one?”

Woman: “Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.”

Officer: “I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.”

Woman: “I can’t do that.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Woman: “I stole this car.”

Officer: “Stole it?”

Woman: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.”

Officer: “You what?”

Woman: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Sargent: “Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: “Is there a problem sir?”

Sergeant: “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

Woman: “Murdered the owner?”

Sergeant: “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.”

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Sergeant: “Is this your car, ma’am?”

Woman: “Yes, here are the registration papers.”

The first officer is stunned.

Sergeant: “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Sergeant: “Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”

Woman: “I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too.”

 

Pregnant Little Girl

 

Jokes and Funny Video

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Boy: Marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house..?

Boy: No.

Girl: Do you have a BMW car?

Boy: No.

Girl: How much is your salary?

Boy: No salary, but…

Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I
marry you?? 
Leave please!

Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3
 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche…
Why I
 still need to buy BMW?! How can I get the
 salary when actually I am the BOSS 

Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.

Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game.
When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court.
Got it?

Class: Got it.

Coach: Okay… Ready, set… ORANGE!

The jokes are from https://www.toplst.com/top50funnyshortjokes/


Man: What’s the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
 Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
 Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
“Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”
The Canadian said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
 “Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!” The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained,
“Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”

The jokes are from http://unijokes.com.

Funny magic show

Jokes & Video

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 The annual Chinese New Year Gala hosted by China Central Television (CCTV),  shown on the eve of Chinese Lunar New Year has become a ritual of Chinese people including overseas Chinese when celebrate the festival since 1983, when it was first televised live at home and abroad. The gala usually starts at 8 p.m. on New Year’s Eve and lasts about four hours.This is a small part of the program, and I think you will enjoy it.

Please watch on a full screen.

The jokes are from http://paradigmsearch.hubpages.com/hub/Top-Ten-Jokes-Making-the-Internet-Rounds

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

 

Robot for sale.

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Subject: 9 months later.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was from the attorney of the attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

‘Yes, I do.’, said Keith.

‘Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes!’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’

‘She just died and left me everything.’

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Subject: British Humor

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under the yapping dog.

“Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”

She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the yapping dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!”

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it appears you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

 

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