Posts tagged wife vs. husband

Jokes

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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !!!

Jokes are from my friend’s e-mail.

Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in bed .

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends”

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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,” send me a brother”

Santa wrote back,” SEND ME YOUR MOTHER”

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Husband asks , “Do u know the meaning of WIFE?

Without Information Fighting Everytime (Every time)

Wife replies,” No, It means ,With Idiot For Ever !!!”

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What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

and Panic is when both are pregnant .

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Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,

my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

Jokes

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The Jokes were from my friend’s e-mail.

Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband : ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband : ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife : ‘Yes or no.’

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!’
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling! , but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

Son: ‘ Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever .
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor.’

WHY AM I MARRIED? (joke)

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This article was from my friend’s e-mail.

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
“Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
“Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

A young son asked,”Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”

Then there was a woman who said,
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

” A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for
Strength I’ll just beat him to death “

Jokes

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I would like to thank my friend for sharing these jokes.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….”HEBREWS”

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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