Posts tagged jokes

Happy Independence Day!

0

 

4th of July Jokes

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. ‘We live in a great country,’ she announced. ‘One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.’

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, ‘I’m not free. I’m four.’

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/saints/4th_july_independence_day.htm#4th_of_July_Jokes_

How Many States Can You Name?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, ‘Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/saints/4th_july_independence_day.htm#4th_of_July_Jokes_

4th of July Jokes

Teacher: “True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”
Student: “False. It was written in ink.”

http://mytowntutors.com/2016/04/patriots%E2%80%99-day-jokes-top-50-patriots%E2%80%99-day-jokes/

The 4th July Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at Albuquerque’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

‘This baked ham is really delicious,’ the priest teased the rabbi. ‘You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs Warren’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?’

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, ‘At your wedding.’

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/saints/4th_july_independence_day.htm#More_4th_of_July_Humor

Who signed the Declaration of Independence

There was one little boy in the teacher’s class who really struggled to learn.

One day the teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence, and of course he didn’t know.

The teacher asked him every day for a week but still he couldn’t give the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to come and see her. She said to him, “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence.”

The father said to his son, “Come here, boy, and sit down.”

The boy duly did as he was told and then his dad said to him, “Now if you signed that stupid thing, just admit it so we can get out of here.”

HTTP: // pull method Karma couple .com / funny-4 days -July-jokes /

Jokes and an Amazing Video

0

Wishing you a Happy Memorial Day weekend!         

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/pop-culture-jokes

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wife: “How would you describe me?”

Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

Wife: “What does that mean?”

Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/relationship-jokes

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/office-jokes

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

“Give me your money,” he demanded.

Scandalized, the man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”

“Oh! In that case,” smiled the robber, “Give me MY money!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

.. and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:

“Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!”

… and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.
 
http://www.short-funny.com/funny-sayings.php#ixzz4A0WPqImm

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

 http://www.short-funny.com/#ixzz4A0YZyCD4
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

 http://www.short-funny.com/#ixzz4A0YsZEhR

Top 10 Best auditions Britain’s got talent 2015

 

 

 

Jokes and An Inspiring Video

0

 

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Let me take care of it,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I Changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect.”

Whenever I forget, it will tell me: “Your password is incorrect.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages.
‘Momma, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: ‘I think it’s Adam’s suit!’

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

While at MSDN site, a popup dialog appears:
“May we send you a survey? Enter email:”
I reply: “Nope”.
“Enter valid email address:”
“Leave me alone!”
“Enter valid email address:”
noway@spammers.com
“Thank you”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO’s board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilot less technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEO’s is then told, privately, that their company’s software is Aircraft’s automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO’s promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies “If it is the same software that runs my company’s IT systems, this plane won’t even take off.”

This is Confidence!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

 

All the jokes are from http://www.internationaljoke.com/?p=7060.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The ‘Basketball Girl’ With No Legs Becomes a Champion Swimmer! – Inspirational Story

 

Happy Valentine

0

A Thoughtful Valentine’s Day Gift

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/valentine/valentine_jokes.htm

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

My One And Only

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, at a very smart jeweller’s shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, ‘No, instead engrave “To my one and only love”.’
The jeweller smiled and said, ‘Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.’

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, ‘Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.’

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/valentine/valentine_jokes.htm

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight.” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/valentinesdayjokes/valentinesnapjokes.html

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.

“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

HTTP: // academic tips.org/funny-jokes/really-funny-jokes/)

Jokes and Funny Video

0

 

Boy: Marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house..?

Boy: No.

Girl: Do you have a BMW car?

Boy: No.

Girl: How much is your salary?

Boy: No salary, but…

Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I
marry you?? 
Leave please!

Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3
 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche…
Why I
 still need to buy BMW?! How can I get the
 salary when actually I am the BOSS 

Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.

Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game.
When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court.
Got it?

Class: Got it.

Coach: Okay… Ready, set… ORANGE!

The jokes are from https://www.toplst.com/top50funnyshortjokes/


Man: What’s the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
 Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
 Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
“Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”
The Canadian said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
 “Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!” The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained,
“Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”

The jokes are from http://unijokes.com.

Funny magic show

Go to Top
Show Buttons
Hide Buttons