Posts tagged funny

Jokes and an Amazing Video

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Wishing you a Happy Memorial Day weekend!         

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/pop-culture-jokes

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Wife: “How would you describe me?”

Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

Wife: “What does that mean?”

Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/relationship-jokes

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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/office-jokes

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Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

“Give me your money,” he demanded.

Scandalized, the man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”

“Oh! In that case,” smiled the robber, “Give me MY money!”

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.. and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:

“Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!”

… and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.
 
http://www.short-funny.com/funny-sayings.php#ixzz4A0WPqImm

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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

 http://www.short-funny.com/#ixzz4A0YZyCD4
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Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

 http://www.short-funny.com/#ixzz4A0YsZEhR

Top 10 Best auditions Britain’s got talent 2015

 

 

 

Merry Christmas!!!

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

(https://www.facebook.com/notes/joke-of-the-day/top-50-funniest-jokes-ever-told/589651657715055)

Amusing Childhood Perception

Young Mia, only four years old, returned home from Wicor Nursery School complaining, ‘Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache.’
‘That’s because your stomach is empty,’ Sarah, her mother replied kindly. ‘You’ll feel better when you have something in it.’
She made Mia a small snack and sure enough, Mia felt better immediately.
Later that afternoon Mia’s class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Mia’s mum, she mentioned she’d had a bad headache all day long.
Mia perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, ‘That’s because it’s empty. You’d feel better if you had something in it!’

(http://www.guy-sports.com/virtual/funny_wisdom.htm#The_Wisdom_of_An_Angel)

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”    The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said,
“Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

(http://unijokes.com/)

Joke and Funny Video

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Do you laugh today?

 I hope the joke and video will make your day (or At least make you Smile).

The jokes is sent to me by my friend.

Speeding!

A woman driver is speeding along the highway, when suddenly she gets stopped by a police car which instructs her to pull over.

Woman: “Is there a problem, Officer?”

Officer: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”Woman: “Oh, I see.”

Officer: “Can I see your license please?”

Woman: “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

Officer: “Don’t have one?”

Woman: “Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.”

Officer: “I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.”

Woman: “I can’t do that.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Woman: “I stole this car.”

Officer: “Stole it?”

Woman: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.”

Officer: “You what?”

Woman: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Sargent: “Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: “Is there a problem sir?”

Sergeant: “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

Woman: “Murdered the owner?”

Sergeant: “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.”

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Sergeant: “Is this your car, ma’am?”

Woman: “Yes, here are the registration papers.”

The first officer is stunned.

Sergeant: “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Sergeant: “Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”

Woman: “I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too.”

 

Pregnant Little Girl

 

Joke and Funny Videos

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Videos and joke were from my friend’s email.

Try it Free.

A water Bed in a German furniture store. Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed,
but oh well..the best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign saying

“Don’t……..!”
Turn on speakers and watch people trying out the water bed.
It’s in German, but that only makes it funnier.
Watch for the last two ladies !

A daughter is visiting her father.
She: “Hey Dad, I didn’t ask you yet, but how do you like the new IPad we gave you yesterday as a birthday present?”
He: “I like.”
She: “You cool with handling the apps?”
He: “Hm…? What apps? Could you step aside, please?”
He: “What?”

Cell phone etiquette
After a very busy, tiring day at her office, a young woman settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the commuter train’s door closed.As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice, “Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric, I’m on the train. Yes, I know it’s the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that floozy from the accountants’ office, it was with my boss. Sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart,…” etc., etc.Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. The young woman had reached the end of her endurance, so she yelled, “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off, and come back to bed!”Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

Jokes

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Hilarious video!

Jokes were from my friend’s e-mail

Lady on phone “Sir, I want to meet and talk to you. You are the father of one of my kids.”
Man is stunned and says:
“Oh my God!”
Are you Jessica?
No.
Pamela?
No.
Anna?
No.
Christina?
No.
Joelle?
No.
Elissa?
No.


……….
Lady in confusion:
“Sir, I am the class teacher of your son”.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
A new patient arrived at the local health centre and the receptionist was taking
down some details. “What is your age Mr. Jones” she enquired. “I’m not telling
you” came the reply. “We need to know for our records” said the receptionist
sternly. “Okay take the number 26 and double it and then add 14″ said Mr. Jones”.
“That equals 66” said the receptionist. “Now take 66 away from that figure and what do you have”
Mr. Jones retorted. “Zero” said the receptionist looking rather puzzled.
“Exactly, and that is what chance you have got of me letting you know my age”.
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Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What’s a million years to you?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, can I have a penny?
God: Yes, just wait a second.
…………………………………………………………………………………
A woman went into a bank in London wishing to loan £3,000 for one month.
The loan officer said that he would require collateral.
The woman says “I have a Ferrari; here are a set of keys.Keep it until I repay the
loan”. The loan is authorized and the Ferrari driven away for safe keeping.
The woman returns one month  later, pays the £3,000 loan together with
£20 interest and the car is returned to her.
Clearly puzzled, the loan officer says to her “With respect, madam, I don’t
understand why someone like you who owns a Ferreri would need to borrow
£3,000″. “Well” she replied “I needed to go to the United States for 4 weeks and tell me,
where in London can you store a Ferrari for £20 a month?”.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
A letter from “school”
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
A week later….. A letter from “home”
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

.

                   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY   JULY  4TH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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