As I woke up at 4:00am on October 14th, sweating and tearing, I became completely engulfed by fear.
Can I finish my book?
Can I accomplish this task?
Oh, God what am I going to do?
I am frustrated as what is coming!
The book proposal.
Will I finish in time? I have no confidence now.
I feel like giving up.
For I do not know what to do.
Woke up at 4:00am, so I could catch the most creative mind to work on my book.
Why is it that you fill me with fear?
Nothing but fear, worries and frustration?
Where is my faith?
I question, I wonder…
Why do you wake me up in the time that is most close to divinity?
To fill me with negativity,
Instead of positivity…creativity…
You told Annette of Montebello to tell me last Friday,
“You are a champion, run your race.”
But I felt I have no strength.
I have no energy.
Help me to empty myself,
Help me to clean my soul, my heart, my mind and my body,
So I become nothing but empty.
You let the fear, worries, and frustration come to me,
So I can understand the feeling of all that negativity.
They occupy my body and my mind, they even touch my soul.
It goes so deep.
Now You can uproot it all.
So I am able to run this race,
To win the race,
To receive the Medal from You,
To be a real Champion.
Not only in the eyes of human but also in the eyes of our God, our Lord.
It all started with a friend on Facebook when we entered into a discussion about creativity. Knowing that I was writing this book, she shared the most interesting and insightful piece of information with me. She told me that our creativity is most active between the hours of 3-4am when the sun and moon are 60 degrees in relation to one another. This is when we have the strongest connection to divinity.
Sunrise in Honolulu
I appreciated this wonderful information, and when I got to thinking about it, I remembered that the most insightful messages I received from “The Voice” were delivered at around 4:00am when I found myself naturally waking up many years ago. I hadn’t done this in a long time, so I decided I would change my schedule to go to bed at 10:00pm and wake up around 4:00am, all without the aid of an alarm clock. I failed for the first two or three days, but at 4:00am on October 14th, I woke up crying and in a pool of my own sweat. I knew that it was time to get up, so I tried to quiet myself down as I walked into my home office. I took a deep breath and tried to approach my writing with optimism, but instead I felt suffocated by fear, worry and frustration. All of this negativity that I had been suppressing came rushing to the surface to the point where I couldn’t breathe. So, I decided to write a poem to help me sort out why this was happening. Instead of becoming a more creative being, my emotions were only fueled with negative thoughts.
As I was writing the poem, I knew deep inside that these fears, worries and frustrations were hiding behind a happy and carefree façade. If I could look upbeat to others, then they would accept my constant encouragement of them. But as I kept crying and sweating I realized that I, too, had negative thoughts bubbling deep inside me. I let these feelings go unaddressed for so long, that I had falsely come to believe that they did not exist within me. Yet, at 4:00am that morning, God, the Divine or the Universe – whatever you identify most with – began the excavation process by physically forcing this negativity from my body via my own sweat and tears. In doing so, I was being drained of negativity so that I could be free to receive inspiration, creativity, and enlightenment from above. As I wrote, I felt a sense of relief, a burden lifted from my shoulders. I knew that it was this process of cleansing that would help me to move on.
Birds in Legg Lake
After emailing the poem to my editor, I dozed off, unused to this new sleeping schedule. Around 7:30am, one of my friends called out of nowhere, offering to take me to the park with him. On the way there, he stopped by the grocery store to pick up two loaves of bread. Thinking everything happened for a reason, I didn’t ask why he needed two loaves of bread and just went along with it. As we approached the entrance of Legg Lake located in the city of South El Monte, California, I was overwhelmed to see at least two or three hundred birds.
My friend handed me a loaf of bread. I started to crumble it in my hands, throwing each piece out to the hungry birds. Seeing them living so simply within the present moment caused me to take a deep breath and reflect on the beauty of life. Feeding the birds brought me such peace and enjoyment, and the experience was made even more perfect when I was able to share my bread with a family that had come to witness the interaction between me and the birds. Together, and with my friend, we were able to exchange smiles and laughter in this special place and time.
Images of a beautiful bird
Even when I was so down and so empty, God had given me a new experience and these birds plentiful food. As frustrating and miserable as my day started off, several tiny miracles had made their way into my life by the end. When I wanted to reach a more serene state, I was forced to cleanse my body and my mind in order to become an empty vessel for purity and spirituality to flow through me.
There is a saying in Chinese that whenever one comes to the end of the road, they only arrive at the beginning of paradise. My friend’s advice had helped me to reach the end of a road that had grown sheltered by grey clouds and self-doubt. Also through her advice, I discovered that my journey is far from over. Instead, I’ve begun to travel a road full of sunshine and the kind of promise that only self-renewal can provide. Who would have thought I would receive such miracles through such simple advice?