I Want You To Live

This entry was originally posted on November 19, 2011. I do not know why it was no longer in my blog. Luckily I also published it on my Chinese blog, so I can copy and repost here to share with you the story of my life and what makes me who I am today.

Many years have passed; thousands of days gone by.
I told myself that I needed to write you a letter even though I had no place to send it.
But I could not bring myself to write.
Today, I will finally do it because it has been on my mind for too long.
Dear God, please help me.

I love you, Ming.
It seems unreal that you left us so long ago.
I still remember that you tried so hard to tell me something.
Nothing came out of your mouth, and you had no strength to write it on my palm.
I did not understand what you wanted to say to me at that time.
It wasn’t until a year later that I finally realized that what you wanted to tell me was:
“I love you.”

How I wish that I could have told you, “I love you, too.”
Oh, God! I love you wholeheartedly even until now.
I am so sorry that I did not tell you before your passing.
I was busy dealing with the hospital,
So that they would not give up on your treatment.

I remember vividly the day the director of the ICU came to see me.
Heartlessly, he announced that the hospital would stop your blood transfusions the next day.
As much as I tried to plead, beg and reason with him, he still would not budge an inch.
He said that you were going to die anyway,
That he did not want to waste anymore of the blood supply.
Yet he refused blood donations from our church members.

At that point, I knew I was dealing with a person who had no feelings.
To make matters worse, the hospital made one mistake after another.
A year before you were hospitalized, we had gone in for a check up.
But it wasn’t until a year later – after you were hospitalized – that we received the report that your blood was abnormal.
A report delayed due to the hospital’s negligence.
And when you were hospitalized, the doctor closed his eyes to the non-stop bleeding from you surgical wound.
And they made many more mistakes…
I could not hold in my anger any longer, so I told him:
“Doctors are not God. They are responsible for treating patients.”
He had no right to terminate a patient’s life.
If he stopped your blood transfusion,
You would die as a result.
I told him that I would consider him a murderer.

Following my forceful statements, he finally decided to give me three days before taking any action.
Our church offered a three-day fast; it seemed he dare not do anything during that period.
Thank God for giving me these precious 72 hours so I could fight this giant (hospital).

In and out of your room, I was too busy to call people to get help.
Sister Huang came to help and stay by your side.
I did not want to tell you the truth for fear it would upset you.
I wanted to do everything I could to get you a blood transfusion.
I swore to myself that I would not let them block the treatment you needed as long as I was still alive.
I just wanted to keep you alive with all my strength.
It was an uphill battle, but I wanted to fight until my last breath.

I remember that once, when you almost could not endure the pain anymore, you said
I was so cruel for not letting you go.
Oh, God! How could I live without you in this world?
I loved you so much that I wanted to keep you alive.

The ICU director felt my determination.
He sensed that this family would not give up without a fight.
He wanted to figure out whether we were able to go up against him.
He sent a doctor to watch me the next morning.
Facing him was this poor lady who had no energy left.
No strength. Only a desire for her husband to live.
Three hours later, this doctor left in embarrassment.
He told me that he believed I would get my wish.

God sent many angels to help us.
Did you know that, Ming?
Several white doves appeared at your hospital window during that time.
A friend helped to contact several Chinese newspapers about our story.
Our daughter sent out news releases to local newspapers.
Telephone calls inquiring about this story poured in to the hospital from all over.

Ming, I do not know whether you knew it or not.
The hospital could not handle the pressure from the media.
On the third day, the hospital gave in and sent me a formal letter to acknowledge
That they would continue to give you blood transfusions.
Dragging my tired body to your room, but retaining hope, I went back to your side.
It seemed that the fire of life was rekindled.
My long absent smile found its way back … again.
Just as I thought there was hope…
You slipped away quietly several hours later.

I could not understand what had happened.
Should I blame heaven or someone?
Why did God let me fight this battle if you could not live?
This took away my last precious time to be with you.
Oh, God! I could not understand why it ended like this.

All these years I was puzzled and confused.
I also could not let go of my regrets.
I wanted to write to ask for your forgiveness.
I was not able to be with you until the end.
I did not have the courage to write to you until now.
Now I am enlightened. Now I comprehend.
It is not that I wanted you to live on…
You wanted me to live on…

Going through this fierce battle with the hospital,
I regained my spirit to fight… my spirit of life.
You wanted me to live and not give up.
You wanted me to love again.
You wanted to see me smile again and again.
You wanted me to live.

Ming, I love you!
Today, I finally realize your love for me is extremely deep.
I want to return my love to you.
I will live happily.
Today I received my first trophy for winning my dance competition.
It was then I was enlightened.
I will be the champion of life.
Do not worry, for your love has prepared me to walk on
This champion way of life!

 

 

 

This entry was posted by Alice Lin on November 19, 2011, at 7:50 am and is filed under Uncategorized. Follow any responses to this post through RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

 

2 comments

  • Hatty Chen (3 weeks)

    馨儀,
    佩服你的勇敢, 也心疼你經過的人生. 加油!

    鳳貞

  • Alice Lin (3 weeks)

    Thank you for your encouraging words.

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