My Life Story
This entry was originally posted on November 19, 2011. I do not know why it was no longer in my blog. Luckily I also published it on my Chinese blog, so I can copy and repost here to share with you the story of my life and what makes me who I am today.
Many years have passed; thousands of days gone by.
I told myself that I needed to write you a letter even though I had no place to send it.
But I could not bring myself to write.
Today, I will finally do it because it has been on my mind for too long.
Dear God, please help me.
I love you, Ming.
It seems unreal that you left us so long ago.
I still remember that you tried so hard to tell me something.
Nothing came out of your mouth, and you had no strength to write it on my palm.
I did not understand what you wanted to say to me at that time.
It wasn’t until a year later that I finally realized that what you wanted to tell me was:
“I love you.”
How I wish that I could have told you, “I love you, too.”
Oh, God! I love you wholeheartedly even until now.
I am so sorry that I did not tell you before your passing.
I was busy dealing with the hospital,
So that they would not give up on your treatment.
I remember vividly the day the director of the ICU came to see me.
Heartlessly, he announced that the hospital would stop your blood transfusions the next day.
As much as I tried to plead, beg and reason with him, he still would not budge an inch.
He said that you were going to die anyway,
That he did not want to waste anymore of the blood supply.
Yet he refused blood donations from our church members.
At that point, I knew I was dealing with a person who had no feelings.
To make matters worse, the hospital made one mistake after another.
A year before you were hospitalized, we had gone in for a check up.
But it wasn’t until a year later – after you were hospitalized – that we received the report that your blood was abnormal.
A report delayed due to the hospital’s negligence.
And when you were hospitalized, the doctor closed his eyes to the non-stop bleeding from you surgical wound.
And they made many more mistakes…
I could not hold in my anger any longer, so I told him:
“Doctors are not God. They are responsible for treating patients.”
He had no right to terminate a patient’s life.
If he stopped your blood transfusion,
You would die as a result.
I told him that I would consider him a murderer.
Following my forceful statements, he finally decided to give me three days before taking any action.
Our church offered a three-day fast; it seemed he dare not do anything during that period.
Thank God for giving me these precious 72 hours so I could fight this giant (hospital).
In and out of your room, I was too busy to call people to get help.
Sister Huang came to help and stay by your side.
I did not want to tell you the truth for fear it would upset you.
I wanted to do everything I could to get you a blood transfusion.
I swore to myself that I would not let them block the treatment you needed as long as I was still alive.
I just wanted to keep you alive with all my strength.
It was an uphill battle, but I wanted to fight until my last breath.
I remember that once, when you almost could not endure the pain anymore, you said
I was so cruel for not letting you go.
Oh, God! How could I live without you in this world?
I loved you so much that I wanted to keep you alive.
The ICU director felt my determination.
He sensed that this family would not give up without a fight.
He wanted to figure out whether we were able to go up against him.
He sent a doctor to watch me the next morning.
Facing him was this poor lady who had no energy left.
No strength. Only a desire for her husband to live.
Three hours later, this doctor left in embarrassment.
He told me that he believed I would get my wish.
God sent many angels to help us.
Did you know that, Ming?
Several white doves appeared at your hospital window during that time.
A friend helped to contact several Chinese newspapers about our story.
Our daughter sent out news releases to local newspapers.
Telephone calls inquiring about this story poured in to the hospital from all over.
Ming, I do not know whether you knew it or not.
The hospital could not handle the pressure from the media.
On the third day, the hospital gave in and sent me a formal letter to acknowledge
That they would continue to give you blood transfusions.
Dragging my tired body to your room, but retaining hope, I went back to your side.
It seemed that the fire of life was rekindled.
My long absent smile found its way back … again.
Just as I thought there was hope…
You slipped away quietly several hours later.
I could not understand what had happened.
Should I blame heaven or someone?
Why did God let me fight this battle if you could not live?
This took away my last precious time to be with you.
Oh, God! I could not understand why it ended like this.
All these years I was puzzled and confused.
I also could not let go of my regrets.
I wanted to write to ask for your forgiveness.
I was not able to be with you until the end.
I did not have the courage to write to you until now.
Now I am enlightened. Now I comprehend.
It is not that I wanted you to live on…
You wanted me to live on…
Going through this fierce battle with the hospital,
I regained my spirit to fight… my spirit of life.
You wanted me to live and not give up.
You wanted me to love again.
You wanted to see me smile again and again.
You wanted me to live.
Ming, I love you!
Today, I finally realize your love for me is extremely deep.
I want to return my love to you.
I will live happily.
Today I received my first trophy for winning my dance competition.
It was then I was enlightened.
I will be the champion of life.
Do not worry, for your love has prepared me to walk on
This champion way of life!
This entry was posted by Alice Lin on November 19, 2011, at 7:50 am and is filed under Uncategorized. Follow any responses to this post through RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.
The worker that had gone with me just stared at it with me, and we just stood there, numb. We turned around and went back home, and when I was back, I told my son that we needed to pray. During the prayer, my son started to weep, but I was completely numb and didn’t feel anything. The next morning, I tried to contact the insurance company, and they sent a construction crew to estimate the damages. They had just sent one person, and nobody else. He started to cut apart the drywall and remove all the wood floor, carpet, and cabinets before setting up at least ten fans in the house for seven days to try to dry everything. The process was so slow, and it made me very nervous because I had a tenant waiting to move in. After it was dry, the construction company sent someone for an estimate, and it took more than two weeks for it to be completed.
As we made the drive back and forth to the property in Orange Country, I cried every day and every time we went. I came before God, and I couldn’t figure out why this had happened. This house was supposed to be a miracle house, and I had written an article about it, how this house had come to us miraculously, and now this had happened. In my head, I kept asking why this had happened. It didn’t make sense why this would happen to me, to increase my burden.
I was now financially, physically, and mentally stressed. Even though I was in such a frail state, I still kept searching for why this had happened. Gradually, I understood that this was a life experience I needed to go through. I needed to help myself to be peaceful during all of this. One day I finally realized that miracles are not only material but are also spiritual. And during this near month-long period of dealing with this house and its water damage, I managed my stress and realized that a lot of miracles had happened during then.
For example, someone told me that one of the other construction companies said that it would take at least three weeks to fix the damage, and I told myself that I didn’t have three weeks, just one. Miraculously, I found a cabinet person that helped me do the cabinets in a few days. A worker slept in the house and worked day in and day out by himself to fix everything. It was a bittersweet experience, but we managed to finish repairs within ten days, and the tenant moved in in time. Looking back on it, I realized that this was the most valuable experience I’d ever had. Through the struggles and the stress, the Voice told me I needed to learn this to truly find peace.
Towards the end of last year, one of my friends that came to visit me. Five years ago, she came here to make a film for a spiritual search. I helped her to interview inspirational speakers and translate them.
This time when she came, she had finished editing the episodes into a short film, and now she was looking for people to buy it. She had always been a soul-searching person, and she told me with confidence that her energy level had reached over 700. I was shocked, and I couldn’t imagine how she could achieve such a level. She told me that my energy level seemed to be low and that I should speed up my journey and tries to get to her level. Since she was talking about the energy level, I picked the book from my bookshelf by Dr. David Hawkins, called Power vs. Force. However, I didn’t put in much effort into studying it carefully until the beginning of this year.
Later, another friend asked me what my energy level was in 2017, and this time I was surprised that a similar question had come up. I knew I had to look for an answer, so I started to reread Dr. Hawkins’ book.
Here is his story:
Dr. David Hawkins was a sought-after psychiatrist for decades in New York City. He left his practice at age 38 after contracting a near-fatal illness, and while praying for healing, a bliss state befell him—prompting him to leave behind his “personal self” and merge with “an Infinite Presence of such unlimited power that it was all that was.”
After spending seven years in a cabin near Sedona, meditating and studying, he reintegrated into society and has been astonishingly productive ever since. For nearly 40 years nonstop, he has been writing and lecturing around the globe about higher consciousness. At the core of his research is the radical notion that consciousness can be mapped on a logarithmic scale using behavioral kinesiology, nonlinear dynamics and particle physics. His seminal work, Power vs. Force, introduced the concept that truth is subjective and about one’s level of consciousness.
In his book, he used kinesiology to measure energy levels, and using what he knew from his 30 years of study; he concluded that we all have energy. Not just human beings, but also plants, clothing, books, cars, and even abstract ideas like videos, music, thoughts, and emotions. He gives us the different energy levels here.
As I was staring at this chart, I realized that if a person’s energy level drops below 250, that their emotions become negative – they feel more emotions like anger, grief, fear, and shame. It dawned on me that the reason I could not write the last chapter of my book – Enlightenment, where I explain how I received it from divinity – last June, was because I had a hard time gathering my energy to write. As I was trying to get inspiration, I kept hearing a message about peace. I ended up writing an article about peace, but I still didn’t get it at that time. Ever since then, I’ve just had the feeling that I need to be at peace. I thought I was doing better once I started trying to tune out unwanted noise like politics, and decided to stop complaining, but I still could not bring myself to write. I didn’t have inspiration and wasn’t moved to start to write again.
Two or three months ago, I began the process of selling a property, and I had a hard time trying to sell it. It made me uneasy because of the financial burden. I thought that was bad enough, but at the beginning of 2017, it became worse but taught me a lesson.
It happened when my other property’s tenant moved out, and before a new tenant moved in when there was no one in the house. The sprinklers had started leaking, and since there was no one there, they kept leaking for a few days until my back neighbor saw the water dripping. We rushed to the house, and what was inside was beyond our imagination. The water had gotten everywhere, flooding the entire first floor, and had damaged the wood floors, carpet, and cabinets. I remember the night when we saw the water-stained wood, and I stood there not knowing what to do. I had brought supplies to try to dry the water, but never thought it would be so bad, and I will always remember that scene, of the water-logged floors and carpet beyond help.
To be continued.
I’ve been feeling stressed and like nothing is going my way because my job at Home Health Marketing was getting nowhere. I used to have at least 12 patients a month, and now I didn’t even have a quarter of those numbers. Some months, I had no patients at all. I was trying to look for another job, and my friend suggested auditioning as an extra instead of for parts. As an actor, we can go months with no auditions, so I tried to go online to find jobs as an extra, but there was nothing either. I feel like God was testing my patience and my endurance.
No matter where I looked, I felt that I was in a box with nowhere to go. No matter how hard I pushed against the walls or try to break them, they were solid, and I couldn’t move them. I only hurt my hands trying to do so. In the end, I just sat down with tears on my face. I’ve never felt so hopeless or helpless. I wanted to shout, but I didn’t even have the voice for it. I wanted to cry, and I still couldn’t speak, but tears started pouring. I just wanted a job. I didn’t ask for much, so why was it so hard?
These thoughts consumed my energy, like acid dissolving at whatever I was hanging onto. Eventually, I decided to give up. I put my head down for a while. All of a sudden, I saw a light on the ground. I looked up, and sure enough, above me, there was no ceiling. The box was open all along. It looked like someone was coming down with a rope to get me out of there. I felt like I was lifted out of it. With that light, I gained strength.
I decided that I would visit a doctor as part of my job. When I went in, the receptionist told me that she had sent me a patient a few days ago. I didn’t know that because my office hadn’t told me. Suddenly I was filled with energy, and I had a smile on my way out of the doctor’s office. While I was driving, I got a phone call from my acting agent. Her voice was full of excitement. She said that I got a callback. I thought, “That was a miracle, how could I get a callback so fast when I had only auditioned an hour ago?” She said that this was even better – this was for a movie I had submitted a tape for. I was more than excited; I was exuberant. It was so difficult to get callbacks for movie productions because they would try to get the best people from all over the country. I stopped my car and opened my sunroof, looking up at the blue sky. I told myself, “Get out of the box. Stay out of the box.”
Look up, and the box will not constrain you.
As long as I’m outside of it, the walls of the box can’t cave in on me. Yes, I can look up, and I will be lifted there. I will gain my freedom and my hope. I will achieve anything.
As I finished writing this article, all of a sudden I was reminded of a quote from the author of the novel The Moon and Sixpence, explaining the title of his book: “If you look on the ground in search of a sixpence, you don’t look up, and so miss the moon.”
Through the title of the book, the author, W. Somerset Maugham, transforms the words “dream” and “reality” into the image of the moon. Yes, indeed, if we do not look up, we will miss the moon – our dream which may one day be realized.
As an Asian, I know that we have a habit of giving cash as a wedding or birthday gift. I am no exception. I prefer to give some money because I do not have time to buy a gift from a shop. I also know that whatever presents I pick may not necessarily be what they like.
I have done the cash as a gift thing for many years now. So for my son-in-law’s birthday, I did the same, of course. Rushing out of freeway, I went in the bank a couple of minutes before closing time. I told the cashier that I needed two brand new one hundred bills as a gift.
I saw him take out two hundred dollar bills and lay them on the table. Suddenly, I heard the noise from the counting machine, and he took out a stack of bills. It was a lot, maybe over hundred of them. I was surprised and worried that he mistakenly thought I withdrew a lot. Softly, I reminded him that all I needed were two, but he just smiled at me and examined this stack of hundred dollar bills. He looked at each, and after a moment I could tell that he was picking the best and newest ones. Finally, he pulled two bills, looking satisfied.
Standing there, I was amazed by his action. It was just two bills, but he went the extra mile to find me the best ones from the stack. What a warm feeling he gave me. He may never know this, but his attitude has inspired me to do the same for the others. That is, to treat others from the heart and always go an extra mile to help them.